The Wisdom of Sharing

As I sat in Morocco, among the Berber People and listened!
One day long ago a Sufi Master was near death, and wanted to make sure his three disciples would come under the guidance of another Sufi Master after he passed away.  He had accumulated 17 camels during his life, so he laid down the following instructions for his disciples:

“On my death, the three of you shall divide my 17 camels in the following proportions: the eldest disciple shall have half of them, the middle in age disciple shall have one-third, and the youngest shall have one-ninth.” 

He died soon after writing this bequest, leaving the disciples in a dilemma, so they sought out advice from learned men for how to interpret these instructions.  Someone told them just to make the nearest possible division, while another told them to own the camels communally until they reproduced.  A clever trader said they should just sell the camels and divide the proceeds among themselves, and a wizened old judge advised them that the bequest was null and void because it couldn’t be executed.

The three disciples weren’t happy with any of these suggestions, sensing that their master must have had some deeper and more helpful lesson in mind for them.  But what exactly was that lesson?

Lesson 1: Remain Open-Minded

One obvious lesson the disciples learned from their master’s instructions was that seeking advice and wisdom from others will always broaden their perspectives.  No one ever has a monopoly on the truth, no matter how quick or smart they are.  Genuine wisdom requires humility in the face of life’s many complexities, so a wise person not only knows how to tolerate and learn from different points of view but actually seeks them out.

This is as true in life.  Very few decisions ever involve Absolute Truth.  A decision almost always boils down to a matter of opinion.  Not only that, but the actual outcome of any decision will have just as much to do with the random and unforeseen events that surround it as with the intellectual prowess of the decision-maker, so always be prepared for the unexpected. 

Something else the disciples learned was patience.  Their dilemma was significant, and they certainly wanted to resolve it, but there was no urgency to the issue.  And for today, learning how to be patient is perhaps more important than ever before, given the fast pace of life and the proliferation of information and techology.  Every time your mind is refreshed it produces a new batch of issues commanding your immediate attention.  Figuring out not just how to prioritize, but how to “let go” of the unimportant issues while showing patience for the truly important ones is a skill that will always comes in handy for most bottom-line obsessed, goal-oriented, time-stressed up-and-comers today.

The Dilemma Resolved

In the end, our three disciples did find the answer to their Master’s challenge.  After much searching, a wise old man solved the riddle for them:

“Although I only have one camel myself, I will lend it to you so you now have 18.  The eldest disciple should then be given one-half of these, which is 9. The middle disciple should get one-third, or 6, and the youngest disciple should get one-ninth, or 2.  That will leave just one camel, which is mine, and you can return it to me.”

This was how the three disciples found their new Sufi Master.  It also taught them one final lesson.

Lesson 3: Share

Sharing with others is a natural human urge, and it is becoming an increasingly vital idea as the cost of interacting continues to plummet. The urge to share comes largely from the human instinct for empathy, and  empathy and trust are becoming ever more important to people as we become more and more technologically connected.  It is the human instinct for sharing that drives our willingness to create  So think carefully about how your own  family’ and your friends’urge for you  share might be used to benefit your life in the e-social age.  How can you do a better job empathizing with your family and friends?  

Sharing comes from empathy, and for a family/friend,empathy is the ultimate form of love and insight.   

Ancient lessons can often be very useful even in modern situations.  Technology may gallop along, but wisdom is timeless.   

I Just Returned from Morocco

I Just returned from Morocco

Morocco is an exotic gateway to Africa; its mountains, desert and coast are populated by Berbers and nomads, and its ancient medina lanes lead to souqs and riads. The Mountains & Desert, from Saharan dunes to the peaks of the High Atlas, Morocco could have been tailor- made for travelers. Lyrical landscapes carpet this sublime slice of North Africa like the richly colored and patterned rugs we lusted after in local cooperatives. The mountains – not just the famous High Atlas but also the Rif and suntanned ranges leading to Saharan oases – offered simple, breathtaking pleasures: night skies glistening in the thin air; views over a fluffy cloudbank from the Tizi n’Test pass. On lower ground, there are rugged coastlines, waterfalls and caves in forested hills, and the mighty desert. The Traditional Life in varies terrain may transform your dreams, but it shapes the very lives of Morocco’s Berbers, Arabs and Saharawis. Despite encroaching modernity, with motorways joining mosques and kasbahs as manmade features of the landscape, Moroccan people remain closely connected to the environment. The nomadic southern ‘blue men’ brave the desert’s burning expanses in robes and turbans, with mobile phones in hand. Likewise, traditional life continues – with tweaks – in the techniques of Berber carpet makers; in date cooperatives; in medina spice trading; and in the lifestyles in ports. Ancient Medinas, often exotic, sometimes overwhelming and always unexpected, these ancient centers are bursting with Maghrebi mystique and madness: the perfect complement to the serene countryside. When you hit town and join the crowds, you follow a fine tradition of nomads and traders stretching back centuries. Walking through     Fès, the world’s largest living medieval Islamic city, and the carnivalesque in Marrakesh. was breathtaking. Moroccan Activities for us included: Meeting the Moroccan people.  Drinking mint tea; watching the world go by with the locals; hiking up North Africa’s highest peak, riding across the Sahara Desert in Jeeps, camel trekking, shopping in the worlds 5^th largest shopping mall, getting lost in the medina, and sweating in the hammam. Between these activities, you can sleep in the famous hotels rooms, relax on panoramic terraces and eat a Rick’s Café in Casablanca.

Get going!

Once you hit 90, your average life expectancy is 95!

If you intend to live forever (well, nearly), the key is to live healthfully now. Here are the top 10 steps to reaching 90 in good health and great shape:

1. Stay active. That daily 30-minute walk is vital to keeping you young.

Get enough of these to keep body and brain humming: whole grains, fruits, and veggies; vitamin D3 (1,000 IU; 1,200 after age 60); DHA omega-3s (600-900 mg); low-dose aspirin (talk to your doc first).

Get next to none of these: saturated fats, trans fats, added sugars.

Sleep 7 1/2 hours to 8 hours a night. Every night.

Manage stress. Meditate (here's an easy way) or take two 10- or 15-minute deep-breathing breaks daily.

Do. Not. Smoke.

Stimulate your brain. Do puzzles, learn languages, and take on new challenges. Stay sharp with these nifty (and fun) brain games.

Support "village" movements: neighbors-helping-neighbors programs that let people live independently at home.

Harass your legislators to get health costs under control and affordable. At some point, you'll need it. Meanwhile, here are 6 ways to cut your own healthcare costs.

Move to North Dakota, Hawaii, or California. They're meccas for 90-year-olds.

Then plan on blowing out more than 90 candles. Once you hit 90, your average life expectancy is 95!

Douglas becomes the first African-American to win the Olympic women's all around.

USA's Gabby Douglas crowned Olympic champion in dramatic gymnastics all-around final

Getty Images - LONDON, ENGLAND - AUGUST 02: Gabrielle Douglas of the United States competes on the balance …more  beam in the Artistic Gymnastics Women's Individual All-Around final on Day 6 of the London 2012 Olympic Games at North Greenwich Arena on August 2, 2012 in London, England. (Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)  less 

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LONDON – With a big smile and even bigger performance, Gabby Douglas, the high-flying 16-year-old out of Virginia Beach, held off a strong and dramatic challenge by Russian Victoria Komova to win gold in the women's gymnastics all-around final on Thursday.

Douglas led throughout but needed to deliver a near flawless routine on the floor exercise, the final of four rotations, and then wait out the floor effort by Komova, who needed a 15.360 to win gold.
She got only a 15.100.
As the score dramatically flashed on the screen, Komova broke into tears in her coaches' arms and Douglas flashed one of her signature grins and jumped in celebration as chants of "U-S-A, U-S-A" rained down.

(Getty)Douglas finished with a score of 62.232, just .259 ahead of Komova. Russia's Aliya Mustafina won the bronze.
American Aly Raisman, of suburban Boston, actually tied Mustafina at 59.566, but she finished in a heart-breaking fourth place after losing the tiebreaker. In case of a tie, the lowest score is thrown out and each competitors' top three are calculated. Mustafina was higher.
Douglas took the overall lead on the vault, the first of her four rotations, and then never relinquished it despite strong challenges from the Russians, who were determined to excel at the all around after being blown out by the Americans in the team competition on Tuesday.
Douglas, deemed "The Flying Squirrel" due to high-wire routines, landed a meet-best 15.966 on the vault to assume the early lead. She followed it with a sharp 15.733 on the uneven bars, managing to maintain a gap.
Douglas then delivered a brilliant performance on the balance beam, scoring a meet-best 15.500 to give herself a 0.326 cushion going into the floor exercise. Her best moment was landing a full flip with a twist on beam just moments after Mustafina, the 2010 world champion, fell attempting the same complex maneuver.
Douglas then delivered a 15.033 on the floor, but had to wait nervously as Raisman and Komova got the final two chances. It's common in gymnastics for scores to increase as the competition goes on. In this case, it wasn't enough.

Douglas becomes the first African-American to win the Olympic women's all around. She follows Nastia Liukin (2008) and Carly Patterson (2004) to give America the overall individual champion three Olympics running.
Raisman was the surprise in qualifying, posting the best score of the Americans and effectively knocking out 2011 world champion Jordyn Wieber. Each nation is capped at having just two participants in the finals.

Raisman was unable to equal her performance on Sunday, however, delivering a few too many mistakes to keep up with Douglas, Komova and Mustafina.
Needing a huge performance in her strongest event, floor, Raisman registered a meet-best 15.133. It turned out to be just 0.001 too low or she would have earned bronze.
Women's gymnastics will stage its individual event finals on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, with all five of the American gymnasts qualified in at least one event, so the United States' haul of gold should continue into next week.
Douglas, however, is now the unquestioned champion of women's gymnastics.

Why is Reading Aloud So Important?

Why is Reading Aloud So Important?

                                             Building A Better World

An interview with Mary McLeod Bethune

“Bethune: My mother kept in rather close contact with the people she served as a slave. She continued to cook for her master until she [saved enough to purchase] five acres of land. [Her former master] deeded her five acres. The cabin, my father and brothers built. It was the cabin in which I was born. She kept up these relations. Very often I was taken along [to my mother's job] after I was old enough, and on one of these occasions I remember my mother went over to do some special work for this family of Wilsons, and I was with her.

I went out into what they called their play house in the yard where they did their studying. They had pencils, slates, magazines and books. I picked up one of the books and one of the girls said to me -- "You can't read that -- put that down. I will show you some pictures over here," and when she said to me, "You can't read that -- put that down," it just did something to my pride and to my heart that made me feel that some day I would read just as she was reading. I did put it down, and followed her lead and looked at the picture book that she had. But I went away from there determined to learn how to read and that some day I would master for myself just what they were getting and it was that aim that I followed.

One day we were out in the field picking cotton and the mission teacher came from Maysville, five miles away, and told mother and father that the Presbyterian church had established a mission where the Negro children could go and that the children would be allowed to go. I was among the first of the young ones to enroll, and... so it seemed to me.

That first morning on my way to school I kept the thought uppermost, "Put that down -- you can't read," and I felt that I was on my way to read and it was one of the incentives that fired me in my determination to read. And I think that because of that I grasped my lessons and my words better than the average child and it was not long before I was able to read and write”.

Charles S. Johnson, [abridged] (1940) in Mary McLeod Bethune: Building A Better World: Essays and Selected Documents. McCluskey, Audrey Thomas and Smith, Elaine M., eds., (University of Indiana Press, Bloomington, IN, 1999): pg. 36.

Tips to Encourage a Love of Books and Reading in Young Children

• Hearing stories helps children learn new words.
• Helps develop children’s speaking and listening skills.
• Reading experts tell us that children need to hear 1,000 stories aloud before they can begin to read themselves.
• Reading aloud with a child creates important cuddling time for you and your child.

What Kind of Books do I Choose?

• Look for books with repetition: it helps children feel smart when they can figure out what comes next. 
• Use books that have lots of rhyme and rhythm which is soothing and helps to calm children.
• Non-fiction (books about real subjects) help children relate to the world around them.
• Look for bright, beautiful illustrations that will ‘catch’ your child’s attention.

How do I Get Started?

• Get a Public Library card!
• Relax and enjoy yourself: the best way to help a child learn to love reading is to love it yourself.
• Read with enthusiasm.
• Read slowly and enjoy your time together with the book
• Ask questions about the story as you go along.
• Read books over and over again: children love hearing their favorite stories again.

  Read to your child 20 minutes each day!

Farewell to Paris!

Farewell to Paris!

My companion for 15 years

Paris my mixed breed dog was given to me in

 in April 1987 as a gift from my nephew who

was leaving to join the Marines.

This little tannish white puppy was put in my

care and for the last 15 years we walked, ran,

he swam in every stream, pond, lake or pool of water

we walked by and when we finished our water walks,

Paris looked forward to being hosed down on the front lawn.

As he grew to know me and I to know him, whenever

you saw him, you saw me.  We knew when it was

time to wake up and walk in the morning and we knew

when time it was time to walk in the evening.

Paris knew when I was dressing for work, walking, or bed,

just by snipping the clothes I were wearing and he would adjust

himself according to what I was wearing….work clothes….short walk.

walking clothes….long walk and evening walks in between.

Paris would look into my eyes and I into his and I could the spirit of life,

loyalty and living.  Paris was a great companion to me.  We walked for 15 years.   

Paris and I walked 5 miles of more daily; during all seasons and all weather.  I hope I was a great companion to Paris as he was to me.

Thank you Paris for 15 years of life, love, living, and loyalty!

Why Celebrate Juneteenth?

Why Celebrate Juneteenth?

Juneteenth today, celebrates Black descents of slave’s freedom in American and their achievement, while encouraging continuous self-development and respect for all cultures. As it takes on a more national, symbolic and even global perspective, the events of 1865 in Texas are not forgotten, for all of the roots tie back to this fertile soil from which a national day of pride is growing.

Juneteenth is the oldest known celebration commemorating the ending of slavery in the United States. Dating back to 1865, it was on June 19^th that the Union soldiers, led by Major General Gordon Granger, landed at Galveston, Texas with news that the war had ended and that the enslaved were now free. Note that this was two and a half years after President Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation - which had become official January 1, 1863.

In the early years, little interest existed outside the Black American community in participation in the celebrations. In some cases, there was outwardly exhibited resistance by barring the use of public property for the festivities. Most of the festivities found themselves out in rural areas around rivers and creeks that could provide for additional activities such as fishing, horseback riding and barbecues. Often the church ground was the site for such activities. Eventually, as Black Americans became land owners, land was donated and dedicated for these festivities. One of the earliest documented land purchases in the name of Juneteenth was organized by Rev. Jack Yates. This fund-raising effort yielded $1000 and the purchase of Emancipation Park in Houston, Texas. In Mexia, the local Juneteenth organization purchased Booker T. Washington Park, which had become the Juneteenth celebration site in 1898.

Economic and cultural forces provided for a decline in Juneteenth activities and participants beginning in the early 1900’s. Classroom and textbook education in lieu of traditional home and family-taught practices stifled the interest of the youth due to less emphasis and detail on the activities of former slaves. Classroom text books proclaimed Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation of January 1, 1863 as the date signaling the ending of slavery - and little or nothing on the impact of General Granger’s arrival on June 19^th. 

The Depression forced many Black people off the farms and into the cities to find work. In these urban environments, employers were less eager to grant leaves to celebrate this date. Thus, unless June 19^th fell on a weekend or holiday, there were very few participants available. July 4^th was the already established Independence holiday and a rise in patriotism steered more toward this celebration.

The Civil Rights movement of the 50’s and 60’s yielded both positive and negative results for the Juneteenth celebrations. While it pulled many of the Black American youth away and into the struggle for racial equality, many linked these struggles to the historical struggles of their ancestors. This was evidenced by student demonstrators involved in the Atlanta civil rights campaign in the early 1960’s, whom wore Juneteenth freedom buttons.

Again in 1968, Juneteenth received another strong resurgence through Poor Peoples March to Washington D.C.   Many of these attendees returned home and initiated Juneteenth celebrations in areas previously absent of such activity. In fact, two of the largest Juneteenth celebrations founded after this March are now held in Milwaukee and Minneapolis.

The nine different symbols of Kwanzaa: their significance to the celebration.

The nine different symbols of Kwanzaa:  their significance to the celebration.  

Kwanzaa, is an Black-American celebration of cultural reaffirmation, is one of the fastest-growing holidays in the history of the world.   Not a religious holiday, Kwanzaa is, rather, a seven-day celebration that begins on Dec. 26 and continues through Jan. 1.

1.      TABLE CLOTH/ THE BLACK NATIONAL FLAG (BENDERA).  The Bendera (Bendera Ya Taifa) is the traditional Kwanzaa flag, symbolized by black, red and green colors. Designated to represent the struggle of the people, the black represents the people celebrating Kwanzaa. The red color in the bendera represents the struggle of the African people through history and the green represents hope for a better future. Benderas can be purchased, but making your own can be a great family project.

2.      A Straw Mat/A very important part of the Kwanzaa celebration is the MKEKA. The Mkeka which is pronounced mm-Kay-kah is a straw mat or "MKEKA" symbolizes the foundation of true knowledge and understanding are built. It also symbolizes the foundation which all else rest for self and generations to come.

3.      A Candle Holder/The word kinara is a Swahili word that means candle holder.

4.       Seven Candles/ Mishumaa saba are the seven candles are ceremonial objects with two primary purposes: to re-create symbolically the sun's power and to provide light. The celebration of fire through candle burning is not limited to one particular group or country; it occurs everywhere. Mishumaa saba are the seven candles: three red, three green, and one black. The back candle symbolizes Umoja (unity), the basis of success, and is lit on December 26. The three green candles, representing Nia, Ujima, and Imani, are placed to the right of the Umoja candle, while the three red candles, representing Kujichagulia, Ujamaa, and Kuumba, are placed to the left of it. During Kwanzaa, on candle, representing one principle is lit each day. Then the other candles are relit to give off more light and vision. The numbers of candles burning also indicate the principle that is being celebrated. The illuminating fire of the candles is a basic element of the universe, and every celebration and festival includes fire in some form. Fire's mystique, like the sun, is irresistible and can destroy or create with its mesmerizing, frightening, mystifying power.Mishumaa saba's symbolic colors are from the red, black, and green flag (bendara) created by Marcus Garvey. The colors also represent African gods. Red is the color of Shango, the Yoruba god of fire, thunder, and lightning, who lives in the clouds and sends down his thunderbolt whenever he is angry or offended, iIt also represents the struggle for self-determination and freedom by people of color. Black is the people, the earth, the source of life, representing hope, creativity, and faith and denoting messages and the opening and closing of doors. Green represents the earth that sustains our lives and provides hope, divination, employment, and the fruits of the harvest.

5.        The crops (fruits, nuts, and vegetables)/ Mazao symbolize work and the basis of the holiday. It represents the historical foundation for Kwanzaa, the gathering of the people that is patterned after African harvest festivals in which joy, sharing, unity, and thanksgiving are the fruits of collective planning and work.   Ancient Africans did not care how large the family was, but there was only one leader - the oldest male of the strongest group. For this reason, an entire village may have been composed of one family. The family is a limb of a tribe; they share common customs, cultural traditions, and political unity, and are   descended from common ancestors. The tribe lives by traditions that provide continuity and identity. Tribal laws often determine the value system, laws, and customs encompassing birth, adolescence, marriage, parenthood, maturity, and death. Through personal sacrifice and hard work, the farmers sow seeds that bringt forth new plant life to feed the people and other animals of the earth.  Nuts, fruit, and vegetables, representing work, are placed on the mkeka.

6.      The stalk of corn/ vibunzi or mihindi represents fertility and symbolizes that through the reproduction of children, the future hopes of the family are brought to life. One ear is called vibunzi, and two or more ears are called mihindi. Each ear symbolizes a child in the family, and thus one ear is placed on the mkeka for each child in the family. If there are no children in the home, two ears are still set on the mkeka because each person is responsible for the children of the community.  Children are essential to Kwanzaa, for they are the future, the seed bearers that will carry cultural values and practices into the next generation. For this reason, children are cared for communally and individually within a tribal village. The biological family is ultimately responsible for raising its own children, but every person in the village is responsible for the safety and welfare of all the children.

7.      A Unity Cup/ The kikombe cha umoja is a special cup that is used to perform the libation.  A large Kwanzaa gatherings may operate just as communion services in most churches, for which it is common for celebrants to have individual cups and to drink the libation together as a sign of unity.  Then, the eldest person present pours the libation, usually water, juice, or wine, in the direction of the four winds - north, south, east, and west - to honor the ancestors. The eldest asks the gods and ancestors to share in the festivities and, in return, to bless all the people who are not at the gathering. After asking for this blessing, the elder pours the libation on the ground and the group says “Amen”.

8.      NGUZO SABA POSTER - The Seven Principles Poster/Symbolize the key role they play in kwanza

9.      Gifts/ Zawadi means giving meaning gifts.  When we celebrate on the seventh day of Kwanzaa, we give meaningful zawadi (gifts) to encourage growth, self-determination, achievement, and success. We exchange the gifts with members of our immediate family, especially the children, to promote or reward accomplishments and commitments kept, as well as with our guests. Handmade gifts are encouraged to promote self-determination, purpose, and creativity and to avoid the chaos of shopping and conspicuous consumption during the December holiday season. A family may spend the year making kinaras or may create cards, dolls, or mkekas to give to their guests. Accepting a gift implies a moral obligation to fulfill the promise of the gift; it obliges the recipient to follow the training of the host. The gift cements social relationships, allowing the receiver to share the duties and the rights of a family member. Accepting a gift makes the receiver part of the family and promotes Unity.

There is no such thing as low self-esteem!

Could I have low self-esteem?

Dear Ruby

I look in the mirror, what do I see? I see someone who is tired, someone who is barely making ends meet living paycheck to paycheck, someone who is praying for a better tomorrow. I feel like a failure and others see me in this manner as well.  I want to feel great about myself then others will think I am great also.  I have all of the latest fashion, shoes, purses, hair, lashes, nails, and I feel empty.  What am I experiencing? What am I going through? Why is this happening to me? Do you think I may have a low self-esteem?

-- I Feel Empty in Newark, NJ
Dear I Feel Empty:

This is no such thing as low self-esteem.  Since the world has given credence to a word that has no meaning.  The words that have true meaning are the lack of confidence and an inferiority complex.   Your confidence is the "value" you put on yourself.  You have  acquired an inferiority complex and lack of confidence, here are some of the causes of both:  Being criticized; not receiving affection, encouragement, and support; Being or having been teased, ridiculed, punished, shamed, ignored, compared unfavorably, threatened, abandoned, rejected, or victimized; Being compared to others; and being continually reminded of your past or your future.

Take a look at the type of friends you attract - they are your mirror. Do they all have problems, or are they successfully happy people.  Remember the Law of Attraction works for negatives as well as positives. Just as happy successful people attract happy successful people, people with unresolved problems attract people with unresolved problems.

Here are a few tips and ideas to help you overcome both an inferiority complex and lack of confidence:

1.      Despite any imperfections you may have, you must love yourself. How can you ever feel great and full of life to anyone else, if you have no love for yourself? This is possibly the most important factor in overcoming an inferiority complex and lack of confidence. Love who you are.

2.      Look at yourself in the mirror. No, not your appearance but deeper. Look into your eyes. Your eyes tell a story. Your eyes are the windows into our souls. Your appearance is just the surface, but your soul is "who" you are. Get to know yourself all over again. Take pride in yourself and in all you do. Always feel good about who you are. Keep in mind you may go through hardships in you life but the way you choose to deal with your hardships is what makes or breaks you.

3.      Accept what you can control in your life. You must create your future by effort. No one can do it for you. Unfortunately, most people are looking for instant this, instant that, instant success and instant cash. Well, in the world today the only thing you can get instantly is failure. If you are not willing to work for your success, so what do you do? You give up and why? Because it is so much easier to fail than to succeed.  You have to take back the control of the life you deserve because you can achieve as much success as you want. You just have to believe that you deserve it.

4.      You are what is important here. Often without meaning to, your friends and family will handicap you with their opinions. You are not here to please the world; family; or friends.   You are here to please yourself. What others think of you is unimportant, but what you think of yourself is. You have a mind of your own; however seeking wisdom from your elders or someone who really cares about you is good, but randomly seeking others opinions should be done with caution.  So from now on you do what makes you happy and pleases you without seeking to hurt or destroy other people lives.

5.      Self Confidence needs to be cultivated - this is why the concept of personal development is so important - the basis of improving your own Self Awareness is you helping you.  Every time you achieve a goal, every time you overcome a fear or phobia and every time you choose a positive over a negative – you will feel good because you are improving your self confidence. Remember "Nothing succeeds like success” and that's the feeling you want to cultivate.

Now that you have a few tips about how to overcome an inferiority complex and lack of confidence: Lets talk about self confidence meaning, feeling good about yourself, not just when you have been praised for something, but all the time.  You are worthy of getting the most you can out of life, to be the best you can. So, the goal is to open the flow of success and abundance in your life by developing high Self Confidence, which means:   This is the way you talk to yourself about yourself. I Believe in Myself; I have Self Respect; I have Personal Worth; I have a Sense of Purpose; I have a Sense of Belonging; I have Self Confidence; and I have a positive Self Image.
Eleanor Roosevelt said it best: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Now go conquer the world, it is waiting for you!

Fine Dining, I don’t want to embarrass my date or the hostess.

Dear Ruby,

I must confess, I was raised in a middle class family and

Sunday dinners were always in order.  My parents were/are stickers for table setting and table manners.  Now, that I am on my own and have moved away from home.  I mostly eat out at fast food restaurants.  My table manners and fine dining skills have pretty much vanished.  I have been invited to a fine dining event.  I need a few rules of how to conduct myself. I don’t want to embarrass my date or the hostess.

---Fine Dining in Denver, Colorado

Dear Fine Dining:

Fine dining has always been the order of the day.  So many have gotten away from the finer qualities of life in the search of rushing through our every day lives eating fast food on paper plates, paper napkins and plastics forks, knives, and spoons.  The finer qualities of life now escapes some of us at the moment we feel we don’t need dining skills we are invited to engage in the fine dining experience. Now you are confused by the number of knives and forks and what to do with that napkin.  The rules may vary from place to place but this should serve as a good guide.

Knives and Forks: The very simple rule is to always work from the outside in; the cutlery farthest away from your plate is for the first course. If you are still unsure what to do, wait and follow your hostess or host. Always take small portions of food at a time and put your cutlery down between each mouthful. When you put your cutlery down, place it on the plate (never back on the table and do not rest it half on and half off the plate); cross the tips of the two pieces (if there are two) or angle it if there is just one. This tells the server that you are not finished. When you are finished, place your knife and fork together in the centre of the plate vertically. The tines of the fork should point up and the blade of the knife should point to the centre towards the fork. Do not pick up any cutlery that you drop to the floor. It will be replaced by the server.
Soup:  spoons generally come in two shapes – one is shaped like a round bowl, and the other is shaped like an egg. When eating soup the soup bowl must stay on the table. It is never acceptable to drink your soup from the bowl. To eat your soup, push your spoon away from you starting at the centre of the bowl to the farthest edge. Bring the spoon to your mouth and drink the soup from the edge – do not put the whole spoon in to your mouth. Do not slurp.
Napkins:   A napkin is used for one thing only – dabbing the mouth. Never wipe your mouth with a napkin, you should always dab. Your napkin should be unfolded and placed on your knees. It is never acceptable to tuck your napkin in to the front of your shirt or dress; nowadays it is the height of vulgarity. If you must leave the table, asked your hostess to excuse you, you should place your napkin on your seat. This tells the server that you plan to return. When you are ready to sit down again, simply replace the napkin upon your knee.  If your napkin drops to the floor, it is acceptable for you to pick it up unless the house has a butler or servants near the table. In those cases they will remove the fallen napkin and replace it with a fresh one. Never place anything, especially not food, in your napkin. When you have finished eating, the napkin should be placed to the left side of your plate.
Glasses and Wine:  You will have two or more glasses at the table. Your glasses are on the right upper side of your plate. You can have up to four glasses. They are arranged in a diagonal or roughly square pattern. The top left glass is for red wine. It will have a fairly large bowl. Directly below that you will find the white wine glass that will be smaller. At the top right you will find a champagne glass or perhaps a smaller glass for dessert wines or port, on the bottom right is your water glass.  If someone offers a toast to you, you remain seated while the others may stand. Never raise a glass to yourself. You should never touch glasses with other guests when toasting.   Keep eye contact when toasting. If you wish to raise a toast, never tap the side of your glass with a utensil, it is the height of rudeness and you could damage very expensive glassware. It is sufficient to clear your throat. Do not gulp your wine. It is impolite to become drunk in front of the other guests or your hosts. Sip quietly and occasionally. The purpose of the wine at dinner is to complement your food, not to help you along to way to drunkenness. If your server is refilling your glass, you should never place your hand over or near the glass to indicate when you have enough. You should simply tell the server that you have sufficient or tell him prior to pouring that you do not wish to have any more. Never hold the glass for the server to pour your wine.

Body and seating:   There will usually be a seating plan near the door of the dining room, or place cards on the table. If neither exists, wait to be seated by your hostess. There are strict rules as to who sits where at the table and it would be extremely embarrassing if you had to be asked to move, both for you and your hostess. Remember, the hostess governs the table, not the host.  When you are seated at the table your feet should be firmly planted on the floor in front of you. Do not cross your legs, do not lean back on your chair, and do not shake your feet. Your elbows should be at your side at all times. Sit upright and do not lean over your plate when you are eating; bring your food to your mouth. In Etiquette: "The blue book of social usage by Emily Post. Post says to keeps your hands on your lap when you are not using them and you must never put your elbows on the table. You must not start eating until everyone has been served. If there are a large number of guests, the hostess may indicate that you may begin before everyone is served. If this is the case, you should begin. If you take a mouthful which contains something you cannot swallow, you should excuse yourself and remove it in privacy. Absolutely do not do so at the table and never place it in your napkin or on your plate for all to see.

Food:  If you are eating something that has stones or pips in it, you may use your forefinger and thumb to remove them from your mouth. Place them on the side of your plate. You must never use a toothpick at the table, nor should you blow your nose. If you have something stuck in your teeth that you must remove, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom to remove it. It is also acceptable to remove bones with your fingers. Do not salt your meal before you have tasted it; it is an insult to your hostess.  Small pre-dinner snacks must always touch your plate before being put in the mouth. Do not take it from the serving tray and put it straight in your mouth.
Bread:  If you are having bread with your meal there will be a small side plate on the left hand side of your place setting; if so, use it. If not, it is perfectly acceptable to place your bread directly on the table to the left of your plate. You should not put the bread on your plate directly.  Bread should never be cut. When you wish to eat it, tear a bite sized piece off with your fingers. Does not worry about crumbs if there are no side plates – the servers will sweep each setting between courses if need be. There should never be butter served at a dinner table. If there is butter, use your butter knife found either on the bread plate or to the extreme right of your setting.  Place it on the side of your side plate. If there is no side plate your hostess should ensure that you have your own individual butter dish. You should butter each piece of bread as you eat it. 
Conversation:   Unless you know every guest at the table very well, you should not discuss politics, religion, or sex at the table. You should also avoid any controversial subjects that may fall outside of the scope of those three topics. Dinner is meant to be enjoyed, not to be a forum for debate. You should give equal time to the person sitting on your left and your right. It can be difficult to talk easily with strangers but it is absolutely imperative that you do so that everyone can join in on the conversation.  Do not yell to the ends of the table. You should speak in low tones but you do not have to act like you are in Church or a Public Library – dinner is meant to be enjoyed and the conversation is a fundamental part of that. If you are not very confident with speaking to others, a good rule of thumb is to ask the person questions about themselves. Everyone loves to speak about himself and this will also make you appear to be a good listener.


These are the Don’ts:
Don’t make a fuss. If you don’t like something, leave it.
Don’t blow on hot food to cool it down. Wait for it to cool itself.
Don’t smoke at the table unless invited to by the hostess.
Don’t photograph the table, it looks desperate.
Don’t move your plate after your meal has been served.
Don’t treat the servers badly. It makes you look common.
Don’t eat chicken or chops with your fingers.
Don’t point with your cutlery.
Don’t hold your fork while you drink your wine.
Don’t overstay your welcome
Finally, be sure to say thank you to your host before leaving and send a letter of thanks the next day. If you follow these rules you will be invited back. Also pick up a copy of Etiquette: "The blue book of social usage by Emily Post.
Bon appetite!

Dr. Ruby Mae Chapman, Life Coach and Grant writer for Napolean & Ada Moton Chapman Institute

What is Kwanzaa?

Dear Ruby,
What is Kwanzaa?

---Janice in  Chicago, IL

Dear Janice: 

Kwanzaa, is an African-American celebration of cultural reaffirmation, is one of the fastest-growing holidays in the history of the world. It took root 30 years ago, when graduate student Maulana Karenga, disturbed by the 1965 riots in Los Angeles' Watts area, decided that African-Americans needed an annual event to celebrate their differences rather than the melting pot.
Not a religious holiday, Kwanzaa is, rather, a seven-day celebration that begins on Dec. 26 and continues through Jan. 1.

Kwanzaa is a spiritual, festive and joyous celebration of the oneness and goodness of life, which claims no ties with any religion. It has definite principles, practices and symbols which are geared to the social and spiritual needs of African-Americans. The reinforcing gestures are designed to strengthen our collective self-concept as a people, honor our past, critically evaluate our present and commit ourselves to a fuller, more productive future.