Fine Dining, I don’t want to embarrass my date or the hostess.

Dear Ruby,

I must confess, I was raised in a middle class family and

Sunday dinners were always in order.  My parents were/are stickers for table setting and table manners.  Now, that I am on my own and have moved away from home.  I mostly eat out at fast food restaurants.  My table manners and fine dining skills have pretty much vanished.  I have been invited to a fine dining event.  I need a few rules of how to conduct myself. I don’t want to embarrass my date or the hostess.

---Fine Dining in Denver, Colorado

Dear Fine Dining:

Fine dining has always been the order of the day.  So many have gotten away from the finer qualities of life in the search of rushing through our every day lives eating fast food on paper plates, paper napkins and plastics forks, knives, and spoons.  The finer qualities of life now escapes some of us at the moment we feel we don’t need dining skills we are invited to engage in the fine dining experience. Now you are confused by the number of knives and forks and what to do with that napkin.  The rules may vary from place to place but this should serve as a good guide.

Knives and Forks: The very simple rule is to always work from the outside in; the cutlery farthest away from your plate is for the first course. If you are still unsure what to do, wait and follow your hostess or host. Always take small portions of food at a time and put your cutlery down between each mouthful. When you put your cutlery down, place it on the plate (never back on the table and do not rest it half on and half off the plate); cross the tips of the two pieces (if there are two) or angle it if there is just one. This tells the server that you are not finished. When you are finished, place your knife and fork together in the centre of the plate vertically. The tines of the fork should point up and the blade of the knife should point to the centre towards the fork. Do not pick up any cutlery that you drop to the floor. It will be replaced by the server.
Soup:  spoons generally come in two shapes – one is shaped like a round bowl, and the other is shaped like an egg. When eating soup the soup bowl must stay on the table. It is never acceptable to drink your soup from the bowl. To eat your soup, push your spoon away from you starting at the centre of the bowl to the farthest edge. Bring the spoon to your mouth and drink the soup from the edge – do not put the whole spoon in to your mouth. Do not slurp.
Napkins:   A napkin is used for one thing only – dabbing the mouth. Never wipe your mouth with a napkin, you should always dab. Your napkin should be unfolded and placed on your knees. It is never acceptable to tuck your napkin in to the front of your shirt or dress; nowadays it is the height of vulgarity. If you must leave the table, asked your hostess to excuse you, you should place your napkin on your seat. This tells the server that you plan to return. When you are ready to sit down again, simply replace the napkin upon your knee.  If your napkin drops to the floor, it is acceptable for you to pick it up unless the house has a butler or servants near the table. In those cases they will remove the fallen napkin and replace it with a fresh one. Never place anything, especially not food, in your napkin. When you have finished eating, the napkin should be placed to the left side of your plate.
Glasses and Wine:  You will have two or more glasses at the table. Your glasses are on the right upper side of your plate. You can have up to four glasses. They are arranged in a diagonal or roughly square pattern. The top left glass is for red wine. It will have a fairly large bowl. Directly below that you will find the white wine glass that will be smaller. At the top right you will find a champagne glass or perhaps a smaller glass for dessert wines or port, on the bottom right is your water glass.  If someone offers a toast to you, you remain seated while the others may stand. Never raise a glass to yourself. You should never touch glasses with other guests when toasting.   Keep eye contact when toasting. If you wish to raise a toast, never tap the side of your glass with a utensil, it is the height of rudeness and you could damage very expensive glassware. It is sufficient to clear your throat. Do not gulp your wine. It is impolite to become drunk in front of the other guests or your hosts. Sip quietly and occasionally. The purpose of the wine at dinner is to complement your food, not to help you along to way to drunkenness. If your server is refilling your glass, you should never place your hand over or near the glass to indicate when you have enough. You should simply tell the server that you have sufficient or tell him prior to pouring that you do not wish to have any more. Never hold the glass for the server to pour your wine.

Body and seating:   There will usually be a seating plan near the door of the dining room, or place cards on the table. If neither exists, wait to be seated by your hostess. There are strict rules as to who sits where at the table and it would be extremely embarrassing if you had to be asked to move, both for you and your hostess. Remember, the hostess governs the table, not the host.  When you are seated at the table your feet should be firmly planted on the floor in front of you. Do not cross your legs, do not lean back on your chair, and do not shake your feet. Your elbows should be at your side at all times. Sit upright and do not lean over your plate when you are eating; bring your food to your mouth. In Etiquette: "The blue book of social usage by Emily Post. Post says to keeps your hands on your lap when you are not using them and you must never put your elbows on the table. You must not start eating until everyone has been served. If there are a large number of guests, the hostess may indicate that you may begin before everyone is served. If this is the case, you should begin. If you take a mouthful which contains something you cannot swallow, you should excuse yourself and remove it in privacy. Absolutely do not do so at the table and never place it in your napkin or on your plate for all to see.

Food:  If you are eating something that has stones or pips in it, you may use your forefinger and thumb to remove them from your mouth. Place them on the side of your plate. You must never use a toothpick at the table, nor should you blow your nose. If you have something stuck in your teeth that you must remove, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom to remove it. It is also acceptable to remove bones with your fingers. Do not salt your meal before you have tasted it; it is an insult to your hostess.  Small pre-dinner snacks must always touch your plate before being put in the mouth. Do not take it from the serving tray and put it straight in your mouth.
Bread:  If you are having bread with your meal there will be a small side plate on the left hand side of your place setting; if so, use it. If not, it is perfectly acceptable to place your bread directly on the table to the left of your plate. You should not put the bread on your plate directly.  Bread should never be cut. When you wish to eat it, tear a bite sized piece off with your fingers. Does not worry about crumbs if there are no side plates – the servers will sweep each setting between courses if need be. There should never be butter served at a dinner table. If there is butter, use your butter knife found either on the bread plate or to the extreme right of your setting.  Place it on the side of your side plate. If there is no side plate your hostess should ensure that you have your own individual butter dish. You should butter each piece of bread as you eat it. 
Conversation:   Unless you know every guest at the table very well, you should not discuss politics, religion, or sex at the table. You should also avoid any controversial subjects that may fall outside of the scope of those three topics. Dinner is meant to be enjoyed, not to be a forum for debate. You should give equal time to the person sitting on your left and your right. It can be difficult to talk easily with strangers but it is absolutely imperative that you do so that everyone can join in on the conversation.  Do not yell to the ends of the table. You should speak in low tones but you do not have to act like you are in Church or a Public Library – dinner is meant to be enjoyed and the conversation is a fundamental part of that. If you are not very confident with speaking to others, a good rule of thumb is to ask the person questions about themselves. Everyone loves to speak about himself and this will also make you appear to be a good listener.


These are the Don’ts:
Don’t make a fuss. If you don’t like something, leave it.
Don’t blow on hot food to cool it down. Wait for it to cool itself.
Don’t smoke at the table unless invited to by the hostess.
Don’t photograph the table, it looks desperate.
Don’t move your plate after your meal has been served.
Don’t treat the servers badly. It makes you look common.
Don’t eat chicken or chops with your fingers.
Don’t point with your cutlery.
Don’t hold your fork while you drink your wine.
Don’t overstay your welcome
Finally, be sure to say thank you to your host before leaving and send a letter of thanks the next day. If you follow these rules you will be invited back. Also pick up a copy of Etiquette: "The blue book of social usage by Emily Post.
Bon appetite!

Dr. Ruby Mae Chapman, Life Coach and Grant writer for Napolean & Ada Moton Chapman Institute