Dear Ruby: I can’t seem to please my boyfriend. He brags about everybody else except me. I try so hard to do things the way he like them, cooking, cleaning, shopping and etc. He never takes me out in public with him. I admit I don’t dress up around the house, but I dress up when I go places. I have the hardest time getting him to introduce me to his friends. I still don’t know half his family. I am only 60 and he is 45. Do you think he is ashamed of me?
--Confused in Connecticut
Dear Confused in Connecticut:
You are in a May-December romance. There is some recent research which suggests they do not work. But whether they work or not, they are increasing. The British Broadcasting Company (BBC) carried a report recently saying, “The number of women dating/marrying younger men has soared in 25 years.” And according to the U.S. Census Bureau (most recent figures come from 1996) during the 1970 to 1989 period the number of older women dating/marrying younger men jumped by 10 percent when compared to the 1945 to 1964 period. However, the bad news is that when an older woman dates/marries a younger man, she may be shortening her life. A study published in the scientific journal Demography found that while older men dating/marrying younger women tend to live longer, women who dating/marry younger men actually lower their life expectancy. The study was conducted by Sven Drefahl of Germany’s Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research. What Drefhal found was that when there is a 7-to-9-year gap between the man and the woman, the woman reduced her life expectancy by 20 percent. Conversely, the man’s life expectancy increased by 11 percent. Drefahl theorizes women may die younger due to the stress of their dating/marrying a younger man still appears abnormal in society. A relationship with a big age difference can be a challenge, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's doomed. Studies show that the ups and downs of May-December romances—relationships in which one person is significantly older than the other and also as long as the age difference is not too large, a May-December romance is acceptable. For example, based on research, an age gap of five to 10 years is a suitable difference. A generation gap of 25 years or more, however, should be avoided. There's really no good reason to date someone that's 25 years different than you. Research shows May-December romances, age gaps are okay, but generation gaps are a really bad idea. Avoid the pitfall of ever equating youth as the soul ingredient of romance. So, my answer to you is no. He is not ashamed of you, he is ashamed of himself; however, I've often heard that love should be easy, and that even the hardships shouldn't feel so hard. I believe there's some truth to the Cinderella fairy tale—your partner should be like a shoe that fits perfectly, not one you have to force because you want to live in a castle and wear a tiara. More than anything, dating a man 15 years younger should teach you to keep your eye on the essentials: Does it feel right? Is he kind? Do I love him? Does he love me? If the answers are yes, then nothing else really matters.
