May –December Love: What’s Age Got to Do with it?

Dear Ruby: I can’t seem to please my boyfriend. He brags about everybody else except me. I try so hard to do things the way he like them, cooking, cleaning, shopping and etc. He never takes me out in public with him. I admit I don’t dress up around the house, but I dress up when I go places. I have the hardest time getting him to introduce me to his friends. I still don’t know half his family. I am only 60 and he is 45. Do you think he is ashamed of me?

--Confused in Connecticut


Dear Confused in Connecticut:

You are in a May-December romance. There is some recent research which suggests they do not work. But whether they work or not, they are increasing. The British Broadcasting Company (BBC) carried a report recently saying, “The number of women dating/marrying younger men has soared in 25 years.” And according to the U.S. Census Bureau (most recent figures come from 1996) during the 1970 to 1989 period the number of older women dating/marrying younger men jumped by 10 percent when compared to the 1945 to 1964 period. However, the bad news is that when an older woman dates/marries a younger man, she may be shortening her life. A study published in the scientific journal Demography found that while older men dating/marrying younger women tend to live longer, women who dating/marry younger men actually lower their life expectancy. The study was conducted by Sven Drefahl of Germany’s Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research. What Drefhal found was that when there is a 7-to-9-year gap between the man and the woman, the woman reduced her life expectancy by 20 percent. Conversely, the man’s life expectancy increased by 11 percent. Drefahl theorizes women may die younger due to the stress of their dating/marrying a younger man still appears abnormal in society. A relationship with a big age difference can be a challenge, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's doomed. Studies show that the ups and downs of May-December romances—relationships in which one person is significantly older than the other and also as long as the age difference is not too large, a May-December romance is acceptable. For example, based on research, an age gap of five to 10 years is a suitable difference. A generation gap of 25 years or more, however, should be avoided. There's really no good reason to date someone that's 25 years different than you. Research shows May-December romances, age gaps are okay, but generation gaps are a really bad idea. Avoid the pitfall of ever equating youth as the soul ingredient of romance. So, my answer to you is no. He is not ashamed of you, he is ashamed of himself; however, I've often heard that love should be easy, and that even the hardships shouldn't feel so hard. I believe there's some truth to the Cinderella fairy tale—your partner should be like a shoe that fits perfectly, not one you have to force because you want to live in a castle and wear a tiara. More than anything, dating a man 15 years younger should teach you to keep your eye on the essentials: Does it feel right? Is he kind? Do I love him? Does he love me? If the answers are yes, then nothing else really matters.

Boyfriend for Seven Years

Dear Ruby:  I’ve been dating my boyfriend for seven years.  We text each other all day, we talk on the phone all night, and we spend every weekend together.  He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never talks to me about marriage.  Do you think he’s dating me just for what he can get?

--Latonya in Illinois

Dear Latonya in Illinois:  I don’t know.  What is he getting? Most men only marry women they truly love and respect; and women who they feel loved and respected them. Research shows, men only marry women who require them to marry them and have demonstrated an expectation to be marriage.  

Concerned Parents

Dear Ruby:  Our son is 17 and believe me, we are not strict parents.  But how can we convince him that we put down certain rules for his own good?

For instance, we absolutely forbid him to park his car in unknown communities, or in front of homes of people he does not know.  He says all the teenagers with cars do it and he is hurt because it looks like we don’t trust him.  We DO trust him.  But so many teenagers have been victims of carjackers, robbers, and drive by shooters who look for teenagers in parked cars.  Do I dare frighten him with these facts?  Can you put some advice into words to help us, Ruby?  I’m sure other parents have this problem.

--Concerned PARENTS

Dear Concerned PARENTS:  If enlightening and awakening him to reality is “frightening” – then I say frighten him. Teenage friends or teenage couples parked for   any period of time in unknown communities, or in front of homes of people they do not know are set ups for all types of crimes and criminals.  All parents should alert their children and teens to growing danger.

Why Am I Single?

Why Am I Still Single?

Dear Ruby,
Why am I still single?
I am smart, educated, attractive and outgoing, what am I missing? 

Renee from Richmond

Dear Renee:
Jean Twenge is a psychology professor at San Diego State University and author of Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled—and More Miserable—Than Ever Before (Free Press, 2007) and co-author of the upcoming Narcissism Epidemic with W. Keith Campbell.
Based on recent research she has conducted to learn about current attitudes toward relationships,  "There is in fact a massive cultural shift at work here." She says the number of women who are romantically uninvolved is a result of one major factor: our culture tells us we don't need relationships.  Practice, changing your mind about relationships, invite in the idea of friendship, we all need a friend.  Also I would like to add, we must learn to be open to the fact that our friend have feelings too, and opening ourselves to his suggestions, comments and views we may not agree with, leaves room for taking off the boss(y) hat, and sometimes just allows us to wear the friend and companion hat.